Alone, But Not Alone

Friends are being so kind, with cards and texts and calls. I so appreciate all of it. I feel so loved and supported. But I can't be around people right now.

My need is to focus on God, who is holding me tightly. Others focus on circumstances. They are so warm and concerned.  But I need to keep my eyes OFF the circumstances and on the One who hold me so securely.

          But as for me,
          I have made the sovereign Lord my refuge. Psalm 73:28

It Feels Like Hope

Mastectomy. It has an ominous sound. I'd always thought cancer and mastectomy would feel like a sentence to a concentration camp. But t
It doesn't feel that way at all. It feels like hope.

So much research has been done. So many women go through this. Medicine has made huge strides in this area, partly due to the pink ribbons and hats and t-shirts and all, that I used to consider silly.

No matter the ultimate outcome, God is there, steady and strong. I feel like I'm on a tour on a bus. God is the one who planned my itinerary. The tour guides on the microphone, taking turns at the front, are the health care professionals. They point out details and explain things as we come to them on the journey. I sit back, comfortable in my seat. I know that Someone wise and completely trustworthy planned the trip. He will take care of me every second of the journey.

As Isaiah 43:1-3 says:

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
The holy one of Israel, your savior.

Our two-year-old granddaughter Grace had never seen a metal garbage can, except in one place- on Sesame Street. We pulled one out of the garage in which to put sticks from the yard. She bent over the can, looking for Oscar the Grouch, and said, "Where monster?"

That's how I feel about this scary walk I'm taking. Where's the monster? God holds me so securely, I feel calm, resting in Him. It doesn't depend on me. He's carrying it all.

"Football Fever"

My husband is in the other room in his comfort zone: watching ESPN reruns of college football games. That's as much a feel-better action for him as a huge bowl of ice cream is to me. 

As I listen to the roaring crowds, many of whom left this world before the century turned, I realize that this breast cancer thing affects people around me too. Where is he in his mind? How is this affecting him emotionally? 

Oh, that's right, men don't have emotions, do they? Not! I guess this staunch masculine stance makes it even harder to deal with crises. In fact, one of the only ways our culture allows men to express their feelings is during sporting events. Now that makes sense. Feel something, then cheer it out watching football! 

Lord, help me to be sensitive to the people who love me, those around me during this journey. Key me in to what I can do to make it easier for them, as you hold me, safe and secure, in Your fortress, shielded by Your faithfulness, as I read in Psalm 91:1-4. 

      My thoughts are zinging all over the place like the little silver ball in a pinball machine. One minute I want to sit and be quiet. The next, I can't sit still. I want to talk to someone, then I don't. 
       Television irritates me more than usual. In the car, the radio seems to be full of advice on finances  parenting and political opinion. Isn't there anything meaningful? Facing the future, why would I care about these trivial things?

      This must be how it is when someone is waiting for bad news, perched on the edge of the unknown. I want to know what is going to happen in the next few days. Tomorrow is my first appointment with the surgeon. 

      The plunge into the dark doesn't scare me. I know Who will catch and hold me there. God holds me now and He will then. I'm just ready to get on with it. But as I wait, it really "is well with my soul."
      

       God is our refuge and our strength,
       An ever present help in trouble.
       Therefore we will not fear,
          though the earth give way
          And the mountains fall into the sea.
                                            Psalm 46:1-2

     How dependable and strong God has been in my life since I was such a confused teenager years ago. Suddenly He was there. He was real and strong, as He has been through all these years. He can't change. He is the same to me today.

      I asked a friend to pray that I would keep my eyes on Jesus through this ordeal. She wisely replied, "Remember, even if your focus gets off Him, His focus is always on you. "

    I am alternately calm, then panicked, but God is not wavering. He is a safe refuge and my strength. Even if the "earth give way," or "the mountains" that I lean on so hard for my stability "fall into the sea." Because He is my true stability.

Trusting

Sitting in the soft, comfortable chair in the cozy office of my counselor, I poured out all that has been going on, about my diagnosis, the deep sense of God's presence and the incredible peace I have.

With calm, careful interest, she asked me how is all this is coming out in you, personally?"

The clock ticked in the quiet office as I thought through my answer. "I'm snapping at everyone. " I confessed. "Little things are bothering me, that wouldn't normally cause a reaction in me. I'm emotionally exhausted!"

How do I reconcile my firm confidence in God through this time and my emotional fatigue? How can I jump all over my husband if I trust God? How can I find myself unable to handle the little things if I'm trusting God?

The answer is that I can't handle all these things, but God can. It's not about me and my goodness. It's about Him and His power in me. I can't face breast cancer. He can. And by leaning on Him, I can.

Unexpected Journey

I didn't know what was written on the next page of my life, but God did. Breast cancer.

Through the past week, God has given me calm. By the time the radiologist called, I was ready for whatever was written in the next chapter of my life. I knew in a solid and sure way that God knew all about this and was holding and would hold me throughout the whole ordeal. He has been

my strong and faithful companion up till now, and He will continue to be. God doesn't change and neither does His care for me.

After an appointment with the surgeon next week, I'll know exactly the way I'm walking. Meanwhile, I know exactly Who I am walking with.